These days, it may feel like teenagers enjoy much less face-to-face interaction than ever. Yet, thanks to the challenges related to social media and smartphones, it’s never been harder for teens to set and keep healthy boundaries.
Like no previous era, we are all in touch 24/7. Today’s teens have never experienced what it’s like to be incommunicado. As a result, the new norm is creating an environment in which vulnerable kids can feel uncomfortable about enforcing their own need for limits and privacy.
5 Ways to Help Your Teen Keep Healthy Boundaries and Their Friends, Too
1. Help Them Learn How to Name Their Feelings
Teenage years can be a volatile stew of emotions. It really helps to be able to label these feelings. Until we can identify what we feel, it may be impossible to set healthy boundaries.
2. Urge Them to Differentiate Between Friends and “Friends”
Thanks to social media, the word “friend” has become devalued. We can add or delete a fellow human on a whim — with virtually zero consequences. This new trend tacitly teaches all of us that connections are disposable and our actions don’t have consequences.
Talk to your teen about the people in their life. A good way to discuss it may be in terms of coinage. Try this illustration:
Imagine if your teen listed friends as coins and those coins had to add up to one dollar. Would your teen have 100 pennies? Maybe it’d be four quarters. Most likely, it would be somewhere in-between. The idea is to identify the individuals with whom they have an authentic bond of trust and respect. They are their quarters. They are “friends” in the old school sense of the word.
3. Address the Reality of FOMO
The fear of missing out (FOMO) is real. It is also a rapidly increasing form of anxiety. But it’s not a quick fix. Deleting an app will only heighten the anxiety. The trick is one of the oldest compromises in the book: balance. Help your teen set a schedule for tech breaks and device detox.
4. Highlight the Differences Between Property and Emotional Boundaries
Start with property boundaries. They are far easier to perceive and explain. Your teen can learn an awful lot about their own needs simply by recognizing how they feel about their own space and who shares it. This conversation can morph into the more abstract concept of emotional needs as well. The work your teen has done in step #1 (above) lays the groundwork for setting such boundaries.
Among other things, emotional boundaries involve:
- Trust
- Values
- Communication
- Accepting that others cannot read your mind
- Defining oneself
Emotional boundaries express self-worth. They empower your teen to avoid being manipulated or used.
5. Encourage IRL Communication
Sure, texting and chatting are efficient but they are also fertile ground for misunderstanding and manipulation. Face-to-face interactions bring in the much-needed components of facial expressions, vocal inflections, body language, and other gestures. As humans, this is how we learn such cues and hence, better identify where we want to set our own boundaries.
Special Category: Sexual Boundaries
This is a unique blend of property and emotional boundaries. Your teen’s body as much, as their mind, is not to be violated. In the age of hook-up culture and easily accessible pornography, the pressure is on to perform sexually at a very young age. Think beyond “the talk.” Setting sexual boundaries is not a destination. It’s an ongoing process and your teen will need ongoing guidance.
Getting Support for Your Teen
It’s no secret that many teens appear to tune out any hint of their parents’ advice. At times, another voice is needed. Your teen’s weekly counseling session can become a safe space in which boundaries are respected — and boundaries are discussed. Read more about youth counseling and please contact me soon for a consultation, let’s support your teen together.
