There are many things we can learn from and about a parent. Recognizing that a parent is self-absorbed is not a lesson we might expect to learn. Yet, as you reflect on your family life, it’s something that may have become obvious over time.
At first, we view our parents as somewhat selfless caregivers. We’d be completely vulnerable without them, after all. But increasing awareness regarding your parent’s behavior can shine a new light on some ugly or uncomfortable realities.
Though we may typically feel uneasy about judging a parent’s actions, truth and clarity can be the best thing to happen for your peace of mind. Consider the following:
A Few Signs That Your Parent is Self-Absorbed
Your parent’s persistent focus on, of course, the “self”
We all have our priorities. However, most of us are able to adjust to situations in which someone else’s priorities can take (temporary) prominence. The self-absorbed person makes no such adjustments.
They seem to operate with a low amount of empathy
Their primary focus of concern, worry, comfort is themselves. Empathy is not completely absent in the self-absorbed parent. It is, however, not a guiding principle. Concern for others may be constantly overridden by their own needs and wants.
Grandiosity is a key part of their social interaction
Does one of your parents continually command the spotlight in social situations? Self-absorbed individuals are not incapable of appreciating the accomplishments of others. Yet, they are quite intolerant of having their own fine qualities and accomplishments go unnoticed for too long. Also, this kind of parent particularly enjoys social media and other forms of attention and admiration.
They have rationalizations galore
Finally, a parent who is self-absorbed needs plenty of excuses at the ready. They are frequently brimming with rationalizations to explain away their anti-social behavior or poor parenting decisions.
6 Coping Strategies that Help if You Have a Parent That is Self-Absorbed
1. Acceptance
The first and most important step is accepting the nuanced reality of this situation. You have a self-absorbed parent and thus, it’s necessary for you to act accordingly.
2. Set and Enforce Boundaries
Being self-absorbed usually means crossing others’ boundaries. Clarify your needs to yourself and to your parent. They will test your boundaries so be prepared to push back.
3. Cut Off Their Emotional Supply
We are often taught to see our parents as trusted confidants. This, unfortunately, must change. Practice holding back any information or emotions that will give them a manipulative upper hand.
4. Identify a Safe Distance for Yourself
This will vary from case to case. The key is to establish a safe physical distance from your parent’s self-absorbed needs or demands. Again, this is a boundary and it will be tested.
5. Cut Them Off Temporarily
If your efforts are met with increased drama or even hostility, it could be time to take control. As tough as it can be, you may need to take a temporary but full break from your parent. Take time for self-care and seek support before re-engaging.
6. Cut Them Off Permanently
What once may have felt impossible, can become necessary. You may feel guilty. You may even feel you “owe” them something — no matter how bad they behave. In reality, you do have the right to walk away for good. It’s absolutely okay to prioritize your own emotional safety and mental health.
It’s Not Self-Absorbed to Ask For the Help You Need
The task of coping with a self-absorbed parent often requires assistance. This is true because it operates on two distinct tracks.
Firstly, of course, there is the practical work of navigating your parent’s dysfunctional behavior. Secondly — and often more challenging — is the emotional labor of accepting and managing the reality that your parent may not be willing or able to change.
It’s self-loving to seek guidance from work with a counselor. Therapy can help provide a roadmap of sorts for uncharted territory and safe space to reflect and let go of codependency. Reach out for the guidance you need. Learning to see your parents clearly and making productive changes in your interactions can foster the perspective and confidence you need to move forward.
