Trust is a major foundation for any relationship. A betrayal of trust is a legitimate threat to a couple’s sustainability and a common issue we deal with in couples counseling. But there’s good news. Trust can be rebuilt. It is a process. It requires a commitment from both partners. Still, it can be rebuilt and grow deeper and stronger than ever.
How is Trust Lost?
Each couple defines its own parameters, needs, and patterns. With that in mind, trust can be a fluid concept from relationship to relationship. However, there are still some universal factors that can threaten the trust bond between any two spouses. For example:
- Valuing Self-Interest Above Shared Goals
- Behaving in a Passive Aggressive Manner
- Infidelity
- Other Types of Lies and Deceptions
- Never Expressing Gratitude
- Unkind and Mean Behavior
- Unwillingness to Engage in Healthy Communication
Of course, these examples are sometimes related and can often blur into each other. But what they share in common is disrespect. Trust cannot exist without mutual respect. Two people don’t have to be in love to trust one another. Yet they do have to respect each other for trust to remain intact. In the case of intimate relationships, both factors must be present. If trust is lost it must be rebuilt in order to restore your relationship.
1. Learn How to Apologize
Everyone messes up. It’s part of being human. But we don’t have to botch the apology, too. It’s never, ever “I’m sorry if you were offended.” Instead, take these steps:
- Be sure to articulate what you’re apologizing for.
- Express remorse and take accountability.
- Promise to never commit the same transgression.
- Genuinely ask for forgiveness.
2. Do Not Set Artificial Deadlines
Trust takes time to build. It can take even longer to rebuild. Do not rush the process or skip steps. Patience is your ally.
3. The Past is Not Always a Predictor of the Future
Yes, of course, we can and must learn from the past. This, however, is not the same as remaining trapped by what happened before. Relationships require constant evolution. To make this possible, we must be cautious not to continually carry past feelings into the present moment.
4. Practice Mindfulness
A major part of not dwelling on the past is to embrace and remain in the present. Mindfulness teaches us to live in the moment. That is precisely where you and your partner will do the work to restore your relationship. Regrets about the past and anxiety about the future will only hamper this process.
5. Commit to Better Communication
Some clichés exist for a good reason. They’re accurate. So, it never gets old to say that trust is like the glue of any partnership connection.
Thus, if trust is relationship “glue”, communication is the tube you squeeze to access the glue. Hone your interpersonal skills. Practice active listening, engaged body language, and not interrupting to demonstrate that you are interested in each other’s thoughts and feelings.
6. In Matters of Infidelity
While the above suggestions are more general in nature, restoring trust after infidelity requires more specific guidelines. Start with the following:
- Allow the betrayed partner to guide the recovery agenda.
- Do not rush to forgive or “get over it.”
- If you are the unfaithful partner, demonstrate with your words and actions that you regret your actions and are willing to change.
Couples Counseling Can Help
In some instances, the loss of trust can be quite hurtful. Other times, it’s more confusing and unsettling. In all such cases, there is no obvious roadmap to recovery. Therefore, many couples opt for counseling. There is often great solace found in weekly therapy sessions. Grievances can be aired. Fears and doubts are given space to be explored. New hope arises and new directions are created.
Your counselor serves as a mediator — guiding both partners through the process of recovery. All the while, the three of you keep your eyes on the prize: a stronger relationship reinforced by rebuilt trust and restored faith in your future together. If you need help rebuilding trust in your relationship you can make an appointment or contact me.
