Married with children. In many (most?) cases, we’re taught that this is the norm. What we’re rarely taught is how to navigate this process.
Starting and raising a family can be one of life’s most amazing journeys. But, like all journeys, it comes with a wide range of pitfalls and compromises. One major factor is making sure you connect as a couple — and stay connected.
How Couples with Kids can Become Disconnected
There are so many ways and reasons in general that any couple might experience disconnection. In the realm of parenting, here are a few common obstacles:
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Not Being Prepared
Starting a family is considered so normal that we can take it for granted. After all, if everyone else is doing it, how hard can it be? The answer to that question may be “too hard” if you’re not prepared.
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Exhaustion
You have careers, social lives, hobbies and interests, and domestic chores. Now you have a new 24/7 gig called “parenting.”
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Roommate Syndrome
Your once-hot connection may now feel lukewarm if like it seems you’re just running a daycare center together. From chauffeur to coach to teacher to janitor, you’ll wear many hats. It’s easy to forget about being a lover, too.
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Poor Time Management
A jammed schedule becomes a nightmare without good time management skills. With kids, unpredictably is standard. Still, this can be somewhat eased through diligent prioritization and planning.
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Unequal Division of Labor
Inevitably, one partner will feel put-upon or even exploited if they feel they do far more than their share of the grunt work. Many arguments arise from household inequalities and power struggles.
7 Ways Couples with Kids Can Make Sure They Connect
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Hone Your Communication Skills
Your ability to communicate in a healthy way will be tested. Commit to this process. Regardless of the madness, set up regular (weekly, at least) check-in conversations. Watch your tone. Avoid misplaced anger. Set a good example for your children.
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Practice Patience
Being realistic is crucial. This requires patience. Embrace the ability to slow down and reconnect at a pace that feels good to you both.
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Be Resourceful With Intimacy
Do not let your intimate life drop to the bottom of the priority list. Create opportunities whenever possible. Explore unexpected opportunities. Most importantly, recognize the importance of non-sexual intimacy.
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Practice Gratitude
Let each other know how much you appreciate their efforts. Voice your gratitude often and offer praise freely.
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Accept What You Cannot Control
Again, this is about being realistic. If you can control something, make it happen. But don’t be afraid to admit that most things are out of your control and thus, not worthy of strife.
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Do Not Compete
Healthy parenting is a cooperative, collective effort. Avoid — at all costs — the urge to keep score. Speak up if you need help. Do not turn your connection into a competition.
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Stay Aware of How Your Behavior Impacts Your Children
Your children’s development is very much shaped by their home environment. Use this reality as a guiding principle for how you and your spouse communicate and problem solve.
Therapy Can Be the Glue of Your Connection
Martial strife related to parenting can often feel insurmountable. There is so much emotion involved and you’re quite often operating at less than peak efficiency. Needless to say, this is a recipe for misunderstandings and resentment.
Wouldn’t it be excellent to have someone to serve as an unbiased mediator and guide? Well, couples counseling is a common and effective option. You may even start therapy before deciding to have kids.
Perhaps, you’ll begin upon bringing your baby home and/or as the children grow and/or when your babies have grown and moved out. Whatever your parenting stage, counseling is a powerful step for reinforcing and deepening your couple connection along the way. If you would like assistance with maintaining your connection to your partner as a parent you can call (949) 215-0612 or book an appointment.
