Communication. What behavior does that word bring to mind? Unfortunately, when we think “communicate,” we almost exclusively conjure up thoughts about how we speak to others. Logically, this means we expect others to hear and listen to what we’re saying—verbally and nonverbally. But when was the last time we evaluated our own listening skills?
Listening is much more than waiting for your turn to speak. Thus, it is a cliché for good reason. Listening is how to we receive and interpret spoken and unspoken messages. According to the Active Empathic Listening (AEL) measure, there are some key items necessary to know and address in order to be a communication partner. With that in mind, let’s explore seven attributes of a good listener.
Silence
Obvious? Yes. But there can never enough reminders. Conversations are interactive. Conversations ebb and flow. Conversations are not monologues. We must not only share the mic, so to speak, but also listen for more than spoken words. Good listening skills encompass what’s implied and what emotions are involved.
Patience
A big part of choosing silence is remaining patient. Your conversation partner doesn’t want to feel rushed to finish their point and neither do you. Also, it’s crucial to assure others that you’ll remember the points and subpoints they are making, which leads us to the next attribute.
Respect
Giving someone room and space to express themselves is, by definition, respect. In healthy communication, however, this listening skill goes further to include tasks like waiting for the appropriate time to summarize points of agreement/disagreement. In addition, your body language can be a powerful venue for displaying respect, e.g. enabling others to recognize that they have your full attention (more on this below in the “focus” sections).
Empathy
Okay, they have our attention and everything about our body language reinforces this. What about how we feel inside? Ask yourself: Am I being sensitive to what they’re saying and how it makes them feel? Am I doing my best to remain of what my conversation is implying without spoken words?
Open-mindedness
Following up on empathy, it’s a good time to evaluate how open we are to the messages being conveyed. Even if we’ve heard similar points before (maybe even the exact same points), we can diligently keep track of such points and expand the conversation by asking questions and assuring our conversation partner that we remain open to their perspectives. This approach is a clear sign that you understand and are receptive to what they’re saying.
Focus (narrow)
This attribute is summed up in two words: no distractions. We may fancy ourselves to be epic multitaskers but all the person talking to us can see if that we’re shuffling papers, checking e-mail, tying our shoes, etc. All we need to do is think back to one of the many times we were on the receiving end of such mixed messages. Offering periodic verbal acknowledgements is an excellent way to offer assurance that you are fully present in the dialogue.
Focus (broad)
This is summed up in two more words: body language. Posture, eye contact, non-verbal cues, and so much more—humans can speak volumes without uttering a single word. Healthy listening skills require us to not look like high school students, slouching slack-jawed through a boring lecture. Again, as mundane as it may sound, we’re all well-served to remember times when we felt someone was barely hearing us and counting the seconds till we stopped talking. Conjure a good mental image and what they looked like and, well, don’t be that guy.
