We discover the best in ourselves when we help others.
It’s when we live fully and give fully. There’s something magical about providing assistance to friend or family member in need. And, let’s face it, we gain from it, too. But things are not always that simple.
Situations are complex and fluid. Doing what feels like the right thing isn’t always the right thing.
How can we know if we’re enabling or helping?
What is enabling?
Perhaps the simplest answer is that enabling someone allows them to remain irresponsible. It may feel like you’re helping. But you may be over-protecting the person who needs help. Enabling can be expressed in many forms, e.g.
- Making excuses
- Shielding the person from blame
- Avoiding the person
- Not imposing consequences
- Lying to others, keeping some details to yourself
- Putting their needs ahead of your own
All this adds up to a situation in which the problem is never addressed. It can also create resentment towards the person you believe you’re helping, you also run the risk of forming a codependent relationship with the person you are trying to help.
6 Things You Need to Know About Enabling or Helping
1. Denial is the enemy
As hard as it may be, we must accept that a problem exists. We must recognize that action is needed. This is the heart of not being an enabler. Avoiding the issue or even avoiding the person is not helping. Listen to those around you if they’re mentioning “denial.”
2. Find ways to speak honestly and compassionately
It’s tempting to tell them what you think they want to hear. Avoid that temptation. We owe our loved ones the truth, as we see it. You will face pushback (see #5) but it’s part of the process. Choose your words carefully but use honesty as the foundation.
3. Timing and tone are important
It’s not enough to be blunt. You need to be a diplomat, too. This begins with choosing the best possible time for an honest conversation. You want your friend or loved one to be receptive. So do the work to understand and respect their patterns. From there, you must consider your tone. What approach do you think will work with this particular person? Do they like a hard sell? Is this the time to slowly introduce a topic?
4. Blame is real and must be faced
Things don’t “just happen.” Our choices set situations in motion. Our behavior creates circumstances. This cause and effect mean that blame can be assigned. Someone must be held accountable. That’s when responsibility begins.
5. Disagreement is part of any healthy relationship
So, you’ve ditched denial and tried telling it like it is. What likely happened is an argument. It may have been a very uncomfortable experience. It doesn’t mean you don’t like each other. It does mean you are trying hard to help.
6. Take time for yourself to regroup and rethink
You are not a hero. Helping others without caring for yourself is being a martyr. Don’t feel guilty about taking time for yourself. Practice self-care. Get some advice. Have some fun. You’ll need to be the best version of you to offer the most productive help.
Avoid becoming codependent
No one can or should expect you to be perfect. It’s not realistic to assume you have all the right answers about enabling or helping. Sometimes the best form of helping is to guide a loved one to a professional. In therapy, they will be in an ideal environment to explore their problems and needs. They will also become better suited to request the kind of help that is most productive for you. If you or a loved one are ready to seek help you can contact me or book an appointment.
