Popular songs really don’t help if you lean toward relationship codependency.
We sing along to lyrics about only being happy when our partner is happy. We belt out lines about needing someone else to complete us. Movies and TV aren’t much better. Life without a particular partner, pop culture teaches us, is not worth living.
In reality, this sounds like dangerous codependency. It may involve love but it’s not healthy and left unchecked, it will cripple your relationship.
What Does it Mean to Be Codependent?
The hallmark of a codependent relationship is dysfunctional helping. Typically, one partner is always enabling the other partner’s self-sabotaging personality traits and/or addiction. In short order, this unhealthy form of helping becomes its own form of self-sabotaging personality traits.
A common end result is an inability to function independently because another person defines your:
- Identity
- Mood
- Happiness
For a long time, codependency was solely connected to substance abuse issues. More and more, the umbrella is getting larger. A wider range of personality traits is now included in this syndrome.
6 Signs That Codependency May Be Crippling Your Relationship
1. An Increasing Number of Sacrifices
Sacrificing your needs and wanting to “keep the peace” is a common codependency pattern. You can rationalize from here into next week, but over-sacrificing is a dysfunctional choice. On the surface, it may look like the easier path. In reality, it’s a one-way ticket to hardship and resentment.
2. You Become Unwilling or Unable to Say No
You feel and desire a no but as with making sacrifices, you’ve learned to choose what appears to be the path of least resistance. Again, it invites internal conflict and grief.
3. Covering Up or Continually Apologizing For a Partner’s Behavior
The implications are obvious when it comes to addiction and substance abuse. But this sign can also connect to personality clashes. If one partner is controlling—perhaps lazy and/or anti-social—the other will spend lots of time “explaining” why things aren’t as unhealthy as they look.
4. One-Sided Arguments & Conflict Avoidance
A codependent relationship can wear you down. You just stop fighting back. Even more so, you develop ways to avoid arguments completely. You may get so good at this that outsiders will remark at how compatible you and your partner seem to be.
5. Obsessive Worry About What Your Partner Thinks of You
It’s all about pleasing others. This keeps them happy, you’ll tell yourself, and will reduce the chance of conflict. What it actually does is shift even more power into the hands of one partner.
6. Feeling Like You’re Trapped
This is often the sign that leads you onto the road toward help (see below). After all the sacrifices and apologies have been made, where does it leave you? There’s nowhere to go. Your partner’s issues, and the choices you made to enable them, just end up in you feeling trapped.
Take a Giant Step Toward Independence
Codependence often feels like a maze. So much appears out of your control—or doesn’t appear at all! An excellent starting point for addressing your issues is to begin working with a counselor. During your therapy sessions, you’ll learn to effectively recognize the patterns, behaviors, and habits that may enable a codependent environment. There will be many “a-ha” moments as clarity begins to rule the day.
From this state of growing awareness, solutions become more obvious and doable. But first, begin with stepping out of your comfort zone and allowing yourself to examine what has become the norm in your relationship and in your life. You will identify your own needs and wants; you will re-connect to your inner life. From there, it becomes possible to reject abusive behaviors and set the firm boundaries you need. If you are ready to learn the skills to avoid becoming codependent or regain your independence you can contact me or book an appointment.
