Disagreements and conflicts are inevitable in a relationship. They are not something to fear or suppress. When handled in a healthy way, fighting can be productive and valuable. Of course, the key phrase there is “the handled in a healthy way.” Sometimes, a couple loses sight of how to remain respectful and compassionate in times of strife. Left unchecked, this tendency can escalate into a toxic problem.
Before we move forward, however, nothing in this post is meant to explain away physical, verbal, mental, or emotional abuse. That is never acceptable. The point here is to help you recognize when you need some help with conflict resolution.
Knowing the Difference Between Healthy and Toxic Fighting
Toxic Tendencies
- Mind-Reading: It’s like a compliment that gets flipped. Some folks believe they are so much on the same wavelength that they do not have to articulate their emotions. Unfortunately, even soul mates cross signals. Assuming you know what your partner is thinking is a recipe for conflict.
- Unconscious Behavior: Do you ever pick a fight for the sake of it? If so, here are two urgent bits of advice: 1) Stop, and 2) do the hard work to figure out why. Expressing gratitude and appreciation for the sake of it is an excellent idea. Starting trouble over nothing is just plain toxic.
- Getting Personal: Disagreements will happen. This is no excuse to exploit these inevitabilities to behave disrespectfully. If this has become the norm, you have some serious self-exploration to do.
- Blame Game: Healthy conflict resolution isn’t a contest or competition. You’re working things out with your beloved partner; thus, the concept of “winning” is absent. Nothing positive will come out of pointing fingers.
- Passive-Aggressive Reactions: This could include anything from eye-rolling to the silent treatment. Use your words to express your feelings.
Healthy Habits
- Setting Boundaries and Being Heard: It makes sense to initiate a difficult conversation if you feel you are not being heard and/or your boundaries are not being honored. So, don’t shy away from speaking up because you don’t want to risk a disagreement.
- Share Your Feelings: It’s not unusual for one partner to unintentionally hurts the other partner’s feelings. This needs to be firmly but respectfully addressed. Standing up for yourself sets a precedent and has the potential to reduce the number of arguments you have.
- Be Clear About Your Collaborative Plans: As a couple, you may be planning a trip, thinking about relocating, or starting the discussion about having kids. When hashing out a big plan, it is the ideal time to be crystal clear about your feelings — even if that may cause a temporary argument. Compromise is crucial for a successful relationship, but this doesn’t mean either of you must silently sacrifice in the name of “keeping the peace.”
- Say No to Grudges: The work doesn’t end when the fight ends. That’s when the onus is on both of you to let it go. Holding a grudge is a toxic choice. Practice offering authentic apologies. Get comfortable with offering forgiveness. Learn to move on if the issue has been resolved.
- Timing: Accept that there will be times when at least one of you cannot handle a disagreement. Step away, give space, and take breaks. Forcing the issue creates a climate of resentment.
Sometimes, You Need Outside Guidance
Fighting with any of the above awareness can bring you to a point where you need help. Your attempts to reduce toxicity just seem to make things worse. Fortunately, couples therapy is just a phone call away. Let’s connect for a free and confidential consultation to get you moving in a healthier direction.
