“Strong-willed child” is not a technical or medical term. It’s very much in the eye of the beholder, and that’s where many of the issues arise. Do you call your child “stubborn” or “difficult?” If so, this very much colors your perception of them and their perception of themselves. How might things feel if you saw them as “independent” or “spirited?”
This is not meant to downplay the challenges of raising a strong-willed child. Rather, the goal should be to simultaneously guide and appreciate the integrity and passion they display about following their own heart. You can parent a strong-willed child without breaking them or yourself.
Traits of a Strong-Willed Child
These characteristics are often perceived as “annoying,” if not “negative”:
- Bossiness
- Impatience
- Short-tempered
- Stubbornness
- Entitlement
- A need to be “right”
And yes, nothing on that list is easy. But here are some of the ways a strong-willed child is worthy of admiration and support:
- They are self-starters and want to learn things their own way.
- A strong-willed child lives at full speed and has the soul of a leader.
- They question conventional wisdom and point out better ways to get something done.
- Such a child wants to know why things are as they are.
- They naturally operate from a place of conviction, commitment, perseverance, enthusiasm, and energy.
This is not a contest of wills. You’ll want to nurture so much of what your child displays. But you’ll need to do so in a way that enables you to sustain a position of integrity, strength, and self-love.
Some Tips For Parenting That Spirited, Strong-Willed Child of Yours
1. Give Them Choices
If you want a fight, give them an order. But this is not as tricky as it may seem. A strong-willed child wants to salvage at least some control. Your task is to maintain parental control while offering your child a choice. By finding ways to let them feel they have the final say, you a) avoid an argument and b) build mutual respect.
2. Speaking of Respect…
Do not dismiss your child’s opinion or their willingness to defend that opinion. You can validate their point of view even while disagreeing with it or overruling it. They feel heard and understood. Sometimes, your child may be in the right. Let’s say you promised them something but forgot. This is the perfect time to own your mistake and genuinely apologize. By doing so, you are:
- Modeling mature, cooperative behavior and communication
- Building credibility and trust in their eyes
3. Don’t Impose Your Opinions on Them
You don’t have to be “right.” If you reach some kind of agreement with your spirited child, it’s fine if they still disagree with you. Engaging in a power struggle lays the groundwork for ongoing conflict. Teach them that people can disagree but still love and respect each other. This is a much-needed quality in the world today.
4. Establish Routines Early
Any child who has gotten comfortable with a rhythm is more likely to go along without a fight. However, it is imperative that you stick to any rules and routines you’ve promised to follow, too. Make it a house policy, and it won’t feel like you’re bossing around a child who despises being bossed around.
5. Let Them Learn For Themselves
If your child refuses to wear rain boots, you may have to let them come home with wet feet and socks, so they understand why boots were invented. Of course, this must be done within reason, but there’s nothing like letting a strong-willed child figure things out independently.
If you need support with your spirited child, I invite you to reach out and talk.
