Living a healthy life requires us to walk some very fine lines. For example, there is a very subtle balance between helping someone and enabling them. Most of us very much want to support the people we love. But that support can go too far. It’s noble to be the kind of person others can depend on. However, this characteristic is not as simple as it first appears. It may sound weird but you can reach a point where helping others is hurting you. Therefore, you are advised to not cross the line from supportive to codependent.
What is Codependency?
Codependency is easier to recognize in others than in yourself. It is a state in which people start to define themselves by the help they give. This is especially true when that help is being given to one particular individual. A codependent person identifies as a caregiver and needs that person to give their life purpose.
Conversely, healthy caregiving is a conscious choice to do the right thing. It is not based on need or insecurity. Giving and helping is part of who you are but never defines you. Most importantly, you are able to say “no” at times and be comfortable with that decision. You don’t need to feel needed.
Codependency happens slowly and is thus hard to see from the inside. A crucial defense against this scenario is to actively examine your choices. Take the time to monitor what you do and how it makes you feel. This can go a long way in empowering you to be a giving person who still prioritizes her- or himself.
How You Can Be Supportive Without Becoming Codependent
Set Boundaries
This is the foundation for independence. When struggling with codependency, you may feel unable to recognize any boundaries between you and the other person. You surrender your individuality. A truly supportive person is all about boundaries:
- Setting them
- Enforcing them
- Respecting them in others’ lives
- Doing the work to remain aware of their existence
You can help someone else without becoming entangled in their life. Just as importantly, you can be a reliable and caring person without turning it into an obsessive mission.
Always Make Time For Self-Care
By now, it should be obvious that a codependent often neglects their own needs. A powerful step to sidestep this trend is to commit to self-care. Create a daily set of behaviors that cater to the basics, e.g.
- Get yourself into a regular sleep routine
- Make healthy eating choices
- Stay active (including some form of exercise)
- Practice stress management
- Connect with people who respect you and your boundaries
- Cultivate an independent life
Firstly, these steady habits will bring out the best version of you. In addition, they serve as a daily reminder that you matter. Your needs, wants, and desires deserve attention and respect.
Embrace Direct Communication
Codependency often results in both parties avoiding conversations about their connection. In rare cases when such a discussion happens, passive-aggression may rule the day. Perhaps the most important step in avoiding this trap is to make direct communication the norm. When emotions are left unspoken, codependency can take root. Pledge to talk face-to-face and speak frankly. This is a big part of any healthy relationship.
Getting the Support YOU Need
All of the above is not meant to imply that this process is simple. Straddling the supportive-codependent line is a skill. Like any skill, it requires instruction and practice. That’s why so many people in situations like this seek out professional support. Working with a skilled guide is an ideal way to become more clear about your relationship choices.
If you have questions, you can contact me through this website or if you are ready to learn the skills to avoid becoming codependent or regain your independence you can book an appointment.
