Healthy is in the eye of the beholder. What works for one couple may not work for another. What works at one point for a couple may not work at another point for the same couple. But this post isn’t about semantics. We’re focusing on general guidelines you can use to assess your relationship — especially if you already feel something is off.
There are universal red flags to watch for. Concurrently, you can usually identify a healthy relationship using the qualities discussed below.
Relationship Red Flags to Watch For
- You have the same fights over and over without resolution
- Your boundaries are regularly disrespected
- You don’t feel validated, respected, or heard
- Your partner tries to control you, change you, or silence you
- Your partner demeans and/or threatens you
- You feel nervous about speaking up and your relationship feels out of balance
- Your partner spends little time with you and makes you feel uncomfortable when you’re together
Some of these may sound obvious but boundary-crossing, for example, can remain invisible or confusing for a long time. It is always important to check in and take honest stock of your connection, your partner, and yourself.
Foundational Behaviors That Define a Healthy Relationship
Productive Communication
Some qualities of productive communication include:
- Face-to-face
- Direct, frequent, honest, and respectful
- Focused listening skills
- Open-mindedness
- Awareness of timing, body language, vocal tone, etc.
- A willingness to continue growing and evolving because productive communication is a never-ending process
Trust and Transparency
A healthy relationship does not involve keeping secrets. You’re honest with each other. Your trust in each other reinforces your individual trustworthiness. When you are together, it feels like a safe space for both of you.
Independence
You may be soul mates but you still need to have individual lives. You can have your own friends, your own interests and hobbies, and more. The couple that spends quality time apart is better equipped to spend quality time together. You support each other in their independent pursuits. Pro tip: You don’t have to agree on every issue in order to be in synch. A little variety is enriching.
Intimacy
Yes, this means sex but also, was more than sex. Intimacy is one of those beautiful concepts that evolves, ebbs, and flows, and can be expressed in countless ways. In a healthy relationship, you learn each other’s preferences. It might be cuddling or eye contact or hand-holding or whatever. And when the topic turns to sex, you lean on the trust and the refined communication skills you’ve developed to help you.
Conflict Resolution
Every single couple deals with disagreements and conflict. It is normal and inevitable. What highlights a healthy relationship is the invaluable skill of conflict resolution. You refrain from threats, yelling, insults, and drama. As a team, you find the best time and the best way to address your differences and come out stronger than ever.
Fun
Yes, this is a big one. You want to be playful and genuinely enjoy each other’s company. Both of you remain silly and curious as you navigate life’s ups and downs. The laughs and smiles serve as a powerful counterbalance to the inevitable rough patches.
Gratitude
You are happy to have each other and express this sentiment in many ways. Always make time to show your gratitude.
Moving Towards Healthy Relationships
As stated above, things are not as obvious as you may imagine. It can be very helpful to commit together to couples counseling. Use your weekly sessions to parse the good from the bad. From there, you can work on solutions. I’d love to help you along this path, you can book an appointment with me for a confidential consultation or send me a message.
