Do you find yourself chalking up conflicts or tense conversations to “it is what it is” instead of engaging the debate any further? Are you uncomfortable with the idea of “hashing things out” or “tackling the issues” at work or at home?
A fear of confrontation may be the motivation behind many of your feelings.
The tricky part about confronting others is how we frame it to ourselves. It’s not unusual to perceive our retreat as a positive quality. We might reassure ourselves with thoughts about how flexible or mellow we are. Yet, in reality, we’re simply choosing short-term anxiety relief. Unfortunately, such avoidance can just create other long-term issues.
The more helpful route to confidence and peace of mind? Learn to effectively cope with confrontation.
The Downsides of Avoiding Confrontation
When you do not effectively cope with confrontation, you may
- live a passive life
- accept the bad behavior of others
- not getting proper credit at work, school, or home
- manage endless unresolved problems and issues
Meanwhile, all of this settling can negatively impact every aspect of your life. You can claim to be someone who just “goes with the flow,” but your compromises can cause outcomes like:
- declining emotional health suffers
- lost trust and intimacy in your relationships
- a plummeting self-image
- less confidence and more anxiety
So, why do you avoid confrontation when this choice hurts you? The short answer is fear. Your childhood may have taught you that confrontation feels dangerous. Or you may fear looking foolish or not being liked.
The first steps are to acknowledge your trepidation and committing to trying it out anyway. Standing up for yourself and confronting others is a skill set you can acquire. With support, you will likely learn that the benefits far outweigh any consequences.
How to Effectively Cope with Confrontation
Cost-Benefit Analysis
A great motivation to change your behavior is to recognize that what you’re doing now is not working. Keep a journal. Monitor what you do when faced with the chance to stand up for yourself.
Whether you assert yourself or not, continue to keep track of how you feel. Identify the positive patterns that emerge when you do not avoid confrontations. This will make it easier for you to turn engagement into your default setting.
Be Patient With Yourself
Conflict avoidance is not an easy habit to break. Cut yourself some slack and give yourself credit as you tackle one interaction at a time. Take this process slowly without expecting perfection. Understand in advance that time and practice are what you need, not negative self-talk.
Be Strategic
Timing matters. So do factor in location, mood, and preparation. If you realize a confrontation is required, do your best to stack the odds in your favor. This means:
- prepare in advance by collecting your thoughts and calming your energy
- take into account when both of you will have the proper time and focus to talk
- choose a venue that will conducive to peaceful conflict resolution
- decide if a third party should be present
Of course, if your confrontation is with a substance user or an abusive partner, prioritize your own safety at all costs.
Keep It Simple to Start
Don’t try to address a bunch of issues at once. If possible, start with a relatively minor issue. This entry point may lay the foundation to address bigger problems over time. Those who feel particularly fearful of an argument can initially practice with someone with a more mellow and gentle personality. You can gain confidence and go from there.
Reimagine Confrontation and Seek Support
Try not to make false assumptions about asserting yourself. Keep in mind that confrontation can be a healthy form of communication. This doesn’t mean it’ll always go smoothly but don’t automatically assume the worst either!
Again, conflict avoidance is not an easy habit to break. Thus, consider seeking help from a skilled counselor. I’m here to help. Together, we can overcome your communication obstacles and set new goals. Please read more about relationship counseling and feel free to reach out soon for a confidential consultation.
