Our culture could do a much better job when it comes to talking about death. Grief is a universal experience. Meanwhile, it is universally ignored until it happens.
This translates into us being left without the proper coping skills when we need them most. Therefore, it’s never too soon to think about the unthinkable. Especially, as it pertains to people most of us have known our whole lives.
Our parents.
4 Things to Expect When Your Mom or Dad Dies
1. Brace Yourself for Previously Unthinkable Tasks
There are funeral details, legal issues, contacting family and friends — you may even be the one to break the news to the other parent. After the initial process, someone still has to go through their belongings. These and other responsibilities will challenge you in new ways. Expect your role and image of yourself in your family to shift.
2. Brace Yourself for Well-Intentioned Clichés
Since we talk so little about death, we often talk in clichés when the time comes to offer context. People will repeat pieties like:
- “They’re in a better place.”
- “At least they’re not suffering anymore.”
- “You must stay strong.”
- “Your Mom/Dad wouldn’t want you to be so sad.”
The list goes on and it doesn’t get any better. Coping with such “condolences” comes with the territory. Be sure to seek some support that’s willing to go deeper when it comes to discussing emotions.
3. Regardless of Your Relationship, You Will Mourn
Not everyone is close to their parents. Others are practically inseparable. Whatever the situation, there is no way to fully prepare for the loss of a parent. There’s no telling in advance when and how this experience will hit you. But you can be certain that the loss it will affect you. It’s okay and perfectly healthy to acknowledge your feelings and accept them for what they are.
4. Expect the Unexpected
All of the above points add up to one cliché that fits: expect the unexpected. Grief rarely fits into a neat pattern or linear path of steps and stages. Like so much of our emotional life, grieving a parent may be messy and unpredictable. However, grief can inspire us to put aside expectations and stay mindfully present.
4 Ways to Cope When Your Mom or Dad Dies
1. Remember: Grief Comes and Goes in Waves
By now, this part should be clear. The process of mourning is nothing like it’s portrayed in movies, songs, and TV shows. It’s not like an illness that follows a predictable arc. You will be best served to not seek structure. Give yourself time.
2. Talk About It
Contrary to popular custom, we must talk about our feelings and the deceased. It’s not “morbid” or attempts to resist a process of “letting go and move on.” We are social animals who thrive on social interactions. Seek out loved ones with the patience and maturity to meet you where you are. Be there for others who share your grief and loss.
3. Practice Daily (Hourly) Self-Care
It’s easy to lose track of everyday chores and responsibilities. Taking care of your basic self-care needs puts you in the best possible position to handle the pain. Guard your sleep patterns. Get daily exercise. Avoid unhealthy eating choices that only feel like comfort. Cultivate relaxation techniques to manage your stress.
4. Take Your Time to Honor a Never-ending Process
Do not let anyone shame into suppressing your grief. Do not shame yourself. It is simply not true that time heals all. Time may gently erode the acuteness of your feelings. They will not feel as intense (thankfully) but you may still miss your departed parent each year. Also, you may feel the need to mark special memories or special occasions. It’s okay to plan a memorial that honors your relationship.
When Grief Becomes Complicated
As mentioned above, it is absolutely essential we break with cultural norms and commit to expressing our grief. If you need more than your loved ones can provide or wrestle with certain aspects of your relationship with your parents, sessions with a grief counselor may be wise. Mourning is often not a solo act. Professional guidance is sometimes required to regain your footing and move forward.
