Confrontation is not automatically a good or bad thing. But it is certainly inevitable. The trick does not lie in avoiding or preventing confrontation. Rather, the most productive approach to this unavoidable reality is learning how to deal with it in a healthy manner. We can learn from confrontation — and grow from it.
We can also be held back by it. To prevent a negative or harmful outcome, it is absolutely essential to grasp some key principles.
7 Signs of Unhealthy Confrontation
- Words like “always” and “never”
- Personal insults
- Passive-aggressive behavior
- Focusing on “I” and “you” perspectives
- Making it about people more than issues
- Going for the “win”
- No resolution or plans for compromise
7 Key Principles for Healthy Confrontation
1. Accept Communication as a Process
When it comes to communication, you are never a finished product. There is no destination at which to arrive. Accept the process. Commit to doing the work. Reap the rewards. Repeat. Keep repeating.
2. Address Issues When They are Small
Letting things simmer is never a productive choice to make. When using healthy communication, no concern is “too small” to be addressed. Many times, a major confrontation could’ve been avoided with some preemptive thinking and acting.
3. Don’t Compete
Confrontation can be uncomfortable but it does not have to become a competition. If your goal is to win, the situation is already lost. There are so many other possible outcomes, e.g.
- Learning something new
- Understanding someone else’s viewpoint
- Reaching an agreeable compromise
- Recognizing that you are more in agreement than you ever imagined
The list goes on. It goes on, that is, if you take competition off the table. Winning is not the goal. Peaceful resolution is the goal.
4. Don’t Get Personal
Getting personal is a guaranteed way to remove the “healthy” from “healthy confrontation.” As touched on above, certain words can turn a productive discussion into an ugly argument. “You always” and “I never” are but two examples. Show respect in order to increase your self-respect.
5. Check Your Tone and Word Choice
You may not even realize how you come across to others — particularly in times of conflict and disagreement. It’s not just what you say. How you say it can be even more important. Think before you speak. Let respect guide your actions.
6. Understand Body Language
Your body language speaks loudly. This includes posture, facial expressions, gestures, and more. Whether you are standing or sitting even makes a difference. Stay present to maintain awareness of what you are doing and how you are doing it.
7. Know When to Take a Break
Patience and diplomacy are utterly indispensable. It’s acceptable to step away to rethink your behavior and approach. If it’s not a competition (see #3 above), there is no deadline. Sometimes, all it takes is a break for clarity to arrive.
Some Confrontations Require the Help of a “Referee”
Of course, healthy confrontation is not an easy process. It is also not a solo act. These two realities can make anyone wonder if they’ll ever figure it out. There are so many variables and personalities to consider. How does one gain control of such a volatile concept?
Many people choose to get help in the form of therapy. Weekly counseling sessions can serve as a training ground. You dig deep to better understand the roots of your behavior and perceptions. With help, you expose personal patterns that may be sabotaging your best efforts.
You and your therapist will then develop new approaches and ideas to be tried out in real life. Through trial and error — and plenty of exploration — you can move toward a place of deeper understanding and healthier conflict resolution skills.
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