“To honor and to cherish.” While many people are opting for less traditional wedding vows, or deciding to commit to their partners in other ways than marriage, these two promises are important to keep in mind. Honoring and cherishing your partner are just other ways to say you promise to make your partner feel important and loved…it basically boils down to prioritizing him or her!
In theory, this sounds pretty simple and easy right? Of course you prioritize the one you love! But one of the most common complaints couples bring to therapy is feeling like he or she is not important or feeling like the relationship is not important to the other partner.
It’s surprisingly easy to take your loved one for granted, particularly when you’re dealing with work, children, other family members, hobbies, chores. The list of activities to whom you have to parcel out your limited time gets long fast!
You know your partner will be there for you, so you start putting work ahead of him when you’ve got a deadline coming up…oh, and then your best friend from high school is in town…and then your child gets a leading role in the school play and needs to be taken to rehearsals…
And all of a sudden you’ve neglected your partner without even meaning to!
What you thought was a strong marriage starts falling apart.
What does it mean to make your partner a priority?
It does NOT mean that you have to dedicate every waking moment to him or her or that you shouldn’t sometimes prioritize your own needs or spend time with friends. But it does mean committing to a strong marriage. This happens when you both find special ways to connect.
This doesn’t necessarily mean physical intimacy, though this can be very important for some people. Being emotionally connected to your partner is the backbone of a strong marriage. When you prioritize your partner, you are watering the garden that is your relationship so as you grow old together, you’ll also be growing your relationship instead of growing apart or feeling disconnected.
You’ll be able to count on each other’s love and support when life gives you lemons. Together, challenges will be easier to overcome.
Tips for a strong marriage
-
Schedule some “us time”
Scheduling may seem a bit artificial, but with so many demands on our time, this is the best way to ensure you get to make special moments with your partner. Have a weekly date night, and put it in your calendar. What you decide to do is how you can get spontaneous and creative! You can alternate who picks the date night activity and have fun trying to think of something to delight your partner, though it can be helpful to set parameters so no one has to feel bad if their idea was less elaborate or expensive.
-
The “yes and” Technique
Build each other up. Sometimes this is called the “yes and” technique. This helps keep you two from fighting for power in the relationship, casting blame, or becoming defensive. Instead, you create a strong marriage by building each other up! This also helps you to assume the best in your partner. You go along with his idea AND add your own, rather than canceling his out or meekly going along with it without giving any of your own input.
-
Regular check-ups
No, this doesn’t mean a visit to the doctor’s office! Avoid disconnect by checking up on each other and on your relationship. Don’t assume you know everything about your spouse’s daily life, even if she’s had the same job for ten years. Just talk with each other about what you did, saw, or thought about that day, and make sure you don’t shy away from asking your partner how he or she perceives your relationship. Ask both “how are you doing?” and “how are we doing?”
Strengthen Your Marriage
If you feel that your marriage is not as strong as it could be meeting with a therapist can help you to explore your feelings and learn how to better connect with your partner. You can contact me here or you can book an appointment online.
