We live in a culture where the phrase “strong-willed child” is usually seen as pejorative. Like any child, they present their challenges. But the positives are far more abundant. What society calls “difficult” is actually a sign of courage, spirit, and independence. A strong-willed child is unlikely to bend to peer pressure and often grows up to be a leader.
Yes, the power struggles can be tedious, but you can find productive ways to manage your interactions. So, instead of seeking to tame such a child—to “break” their spirit—the goal should be seeking a healthy balance.
Signs of a Strong-Willed Child & How to Help Them Thrive
For starters, please recognize that you have the privilege of raising someone who is brimming with passion. They prefer to set their own agenda. Of course, this can and does present a challenge when you, as the parent, have to set rules and boundaries. But this can be done in such a way that both of you maintain your integrity. So, try your best—even during times of conflict—to appreciate how cool it is to be parenting someone so unique.
A Strong-Willed Child May:
Seek Out Power Struggles
Remember, it takes two to argue. You’re the adult, so the onus is on you to take a deep breath and resist the easy, knee-jerk response. Find ways to get what you want while allowing the child to save face. A strong-willed child can defer to your authority as long as they feel heard and understood. Look for win/win solutions.
Throw Temper Tantrums
These outbursts may appear sudden, and they may last a while. This is another perfect scenario for choosing validation. Don’t downplay their anger. Do your best to understand it and avoid calling it an “overreaction.” You can empathize with your child without giving in to them.
Be Stubborn
You might try all of the above and still not get anywhere. Your child may seem to be trying to wear you down and outlast you. They’ll make effective arguments in their own favor and knowingly prolong the power struggle. This is when you have every right to explain the consequences. Let them know they’ve crossed a line. Give them a warning. And make sure you follow through if that warning is not heeded.
Another option is to give them two choices—assuming you’re okay with both of those choices. A strong-willed child likes to have control so tell them they can do B if they’re unhappy with A. Again, just make sure certain you are fine with A or B.
Want to Know Why
This can get annoying, but it will sure help your kid later in life. Avoid boilerplate replies like “because I said so” or “that’s just how it is.” You also don’t need to provide a full-length dissertation. Somewhere in the middle, however, you can find the balance mentioned above.
Let your child know they are not being randomly denied the joys of life. Rather, there are valid reasons why a parent sets certain rules and boundaries. Even if they disagree with your reasoning, they will appreciate knowing there is reasoning involved.
Make Up Their Own Rules
Your strong-willed offspring will certainly have strong personal opinions on, well… everything. So, decide early on to a) not have a million rules and b) which rules are and aren’t negotiable. For example, you may stick to your guns about bedtime. However, let them wear their favorite outfit even when it makes you cringe.
If raising a strong-willed child feels overwhelming, I can help. Committing to regular therapy sessions is an ideal way to find the validation and support you need!
